My guest today is a fellow humorist Dave Holwill, author of Weekend Rockstars and The Craft room both of which have five stars reviews.
He is a man of many musical talents and is working on his third novel which sounds as humorous as the first two.
Read on and enjoy...
Question 1 :-Well Dave it looks like we’re heading for a nuclear apocalypse how would you spend the final days?
I actually wrote my last blog post on this very subject – it was meant to be serious for once, but there's still a few gags. http://davedoesntwriteanythingever.blogspot.co.uk/2017/09/when-four-minute-warning-comes-knocking.html
Of course, that was if we only had four minutes – like they used to say when I was a kid in the 80s – if we've got a few days warning then I will definitely have time to track down some of the fun drugs that you can't take 'because they kill you' and get proper stinking out of my head for a bit. There would definitely be as much time being outdoors and drunk in charge of a pair of walking legs as one can feasibly fit in. Not much worrying, because what can you do hey?
I would also take up smoking properly again and live on chips dunked in tartare sauce.
I am more a mayonnaise woman but I could manage a whiff of tartare if pushed...
Question 2 :- When it comes to writing what are the excuses you use not to sit down and write?
I've never needed an excuse not to do anything, I'm a lazy bastard by nature. Admitting it is the first step, and making excuses for yourself is pointless. Own your laziness, admit you give literally no fucks about it and enjoy. Things that tend to stop me sitting down and writing are the army of pets I live with who leap up and sit on my arms every time I turn on a computer, the TV, the radio, the big pile of books on the to-read pile, Dartmoor waving at me through the window to go and walk all over it and the call of the pub. All of these are categorised as research and inspiration however, and are therefore not excuses, and definitely still classed as work.
Your answer Dave, works on many levels- thank-you.
Question 3 :- What teacher inspired you a):-laugh in the face of adversity, B) hide in the face of adversity c) or just how to spell it properly?
a) My fifth form Maths teacher, Mr Durrant, whose inability to control a class full of bored teenagers was legendary. I learned nothing in his lessons, I laughed a lot with the other members of the class who were also doing nothing (though it turned out they all learned how to do Maths at the same time) and then discovered adversity when the exams turned up and I had to learn Maths in two weeks. I am forever in debt to my friend Michelle who taught me
algebra at the speed of sound – having let me spend the two previous years copying her work rather than doing any.
b) Mugsy – the infamous woodwork teacher who used to throw bits of wood at unruly pupils, stab them with pencils to demonstrate how sharp they were and various other examples of the kind of violence with geometry sets that you can only get away with, and were at the time both approved of and encouraged by the fee paying parents, in the British private school system. Hiding was your only option there, it didn't work though, he always found you in the end. And then hit you with a length of two by four.
c) I never needed anyone else to teach me how to spell it properly. Antidisestablishmentarianism is a very long word, how do you spell it? I T – just the two letters (and my favourite joke from primary school, thanks for letting it back out again).
My pleasure Dave and your teacher stories rang a familiar bell ...
Question 4 :- What school friend inspired A) you to something bad, b) do something good and, c) give up on the human race (momentarily)
a) I am pretty sure that I was the school friend who inspired others to do bad things, but my friend Paddy and I got up to so much bad stuff it was impossible to decide which of us was the instigator by the end. Most of it would incriminate me (and him) too much now and lead to the end of a promising career (his, obviously, I'm under no illusions about my own career's lack of promise), so I'm saying nothing. We never got up to anything as batshit crazy as running through fields of wheat, but I do recall having a German Shepherd (the dog, not an angry man with a stick in lederhosen) set on us for shortcutting through a field (no wheat) and local rumour had it that the guy who owned it would shoot at you with his rifle if he saw you. We definitely heard a bang. Although in retrospect, there was a building site right next to it at the time.
b) I have never done anything good. If I did it would have been under duress from somebody bigger than me. I'm not terribly susceptible to influences from others anyway, and I am most likely to do the exact opposite of whatever somebody suggests – I may have been tricked into helping people this way at some point, I would not know, I'm not bright enough to know when I'm being played.
c) I have faith that humanity is basically good, I can never give up on it, even momentarily. I realise this is naïve, but the day I relinquish this belief is the day everything goes to shit. I went to school with some awfully rich, awfully entitled, awfully awful people though, and I fervently believe that they have changed, and are now fighting for the little guys and paying their lackeys well over the living wage. Despite the weight of evidence to the contrary.
Dave you are a man of opposing thoughts maybe that what makes you work worthy of five star reviews?
Question 5:- Name three celebrities who get on your tits, wick or something similar?
I don't really follow celebrity culture, and if I do feel something is getting on my tits/wick/something similar I tend to turn it off and stop watching/listening – it's what keeps me sane (and ensure that that faith in humanity remains unshaken). Try it, you'll be happier.
However, celebrities I no longer pay attention to include:
The lovely Kylie Minogue, who I adored for years and years, right up until she released her own range of soft furnishings and I realised she was just another money-grabbing attention seeker. I still hope to meet her and be persuaded otherwise though, I'd like it to have just been bad advice – or a retirement plan.
Morissey – seriously Mozza, what happened to you? How soon is NO. He has dropped into the category of people whose music I still love and listen to regularly, but who I steadfastly ignore if they try and say anything about reality – along with Ted Nugent and Phil Collins: except that I can't stand Phil Collins' music.
Daniel Bedingfield – this is a long held and irrational grudge that extends back into the past and includes his sister Natasha (some of whose songs I really liked for some reason). I forget why now, just as history has forgotten the both of them. The wheel keeps on turning...
Morissey and Kylie -say no more
Question 6 :- Pick the perfect method for torturing people who interrupt you when you are talking.
Let them finish. Usually they were just trying to be rude and will immediately lose their thread before hanging themselves with it. Om Mani Padme Hummmmm...
I could say great advice which of course leads us nicely to the next question...
Question 7 :- What is the most useless, waste of space advice you have been given?
Don't give up on your dreams, every day is a blessing, if you try hard enough you can achieve anything etc. etc. basically anything that gets written on a picture of a rainbow and memed all over the interwebs. Oh, and don't eat the yellow snow, do it, it's delicious.
Question 8 :- You’re God for a day what changes would you make to this planet of ours?
Sadly as an atheist I firmly believe there is no God, thus your argument ensures that I no longer exist at the very second I become a god. Which is kind of a downer.
Of course if I am wrong then that means I can sort out unlimited, non-polluting power sources, an end to inequality and Bears and Tigers being cuddly enough to live with. Which would be great.
Question 9:- How about devil for a day then?
See above.
Without God there can be no devil, so again I disappear in a wink of logic.
Of course, if that's not true then I could make sure that all Televisions and associated viewing devices no longer show anything other than repeats of Thundercats forever, and everybody has their own fully orchestrated incidental music that follows them about wherever they go.
I love the idea of music following you around AND Thundercats. There would be less depression, less fighting and way more dancing.
Question 10 :- What sort of comedy do you find not funny?
Any joke that you have to look around to check who's in the room before you can tell it. Other than that, I'm into most of it – I even laugh at Shakespeare (possibly not in the right places though). Also, there has now been enough observational humour for post-observational comedians to start making observational jokes about observational comedians and enter the Meta-Michael-Mcintyre zone. I do always worry about anything described as 'wacky,' 'zany,' or 'like [popular thing that people enjoy] on acid.' Because they are almost all, without exception, shit.
Thank you fellow humorist for a generous insight into the world of Dave, and all the best for your next book.
Find out more about Dave on his website
http://www.daveholwill.com
and on Amozon:-
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dave-Holwill/e/B073Q8F175/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1
Kerrie Noor
An Aussie ‘sunning it’ in Argyll
Kerrie Noor Is A Comedy, Romance & Sci-Fi Author From Scotland. Explore her recent work on Amazon or contact her for more information.