- Kerrie Noor
The Festivities Of An Asda Addict
Dive into Pete’s log, an android from planet Hy Man who along with Mex, his commander has been sent to earth to do heroic deeds. So far, the only heroic deed they have accomplished is mastering a mobile.
Woody is his best pal and mentor, a young man blighted by his short stature. Woody dreams of becoming a Sci-Fi writer and making those who dismiss him “eat their words”. Pete dreams of blending in; which is not easy when you look like a golden street performer and have the flexibility of latex doll. While Mex far from being heroic fantasizes of Bunny-less days with her feet up and a box of Tablet-although fudge would do.
And who is Bunny you ask?
Bunny is the first woman Mex met and has stuck like an egg on a hotplate. She sees herself as Mex’s mentor, and the last thing Mex thinks she needs is a mentor.
Please read on…
December 2018-The Pedestrian And Stuffed Turkey
Bunny says Christmas, “is all about cheese, alcohol and spending time with the sort of friends that don’t require standing on ceremony.” While Woody says Christmas, “is a time for TV repeats, stuffed turkey and a new supply of socks”. Either way, it seems Christmas requires a lot of time spending money and waiting in car queues.
Mex and Bunnie threw themselves into the festive spirit with a quick scoot around 24 hours Asda.
“Let’s give this saving the planet a rest for a day,” said Bunny heading for the whiskey.
“Throw in some Tablet and I am yours,” said Mex, behind a trolley full of cheese.
Two hours and a full to bursting trolley requiring the strength of weightlifter to push, Mex was out of her box on sugar. A complete sugar addict she had munched her way through Asda’s finest while checking out the children’s section, trying out the fairy lights section and wondering what the pickle is this in the dispensary section.
Asda to Mex was like porn shop to a sixteen-year-old and she had just about as much self-control. She ripped into the sweet stuff with a gay abandonment I had never seen before, all under the excuse of working out the difference between Tablet, fudge, and toffee. By the time they had hit the check-out, she was as high as a planet Hy Man penthouse. And by the time Bunny had left the car park and paused at the pedestrian crossing Mex was hysterically laughing, until she saw what stopped the traffic.
We have no sugar on Planet Hy Man let alone an Asda. What we have is dried soya which hits the tastes bud like vinegar, but apparently is very good for lubricating things. And The Market which makes Marrakesh look like a garage sale. It sells everything, in fact, the only thing you can’t get there is self-respect, a man and a job.
As for drivers the leaders got rid of them years ago, we have computer driven limos for the rich and mopeds for the poor, which take the legs of an American wrestle to peddle start.
Watching manual driving cars under the influence was the height of hilarity for Mex until an elderly woman sauntered up to the lights. Mex laughter stopped, as she watched the elderly woman regally waved to the drivers.
“Should I salute?” she said.
“No, but shutting up might help.” Said Bunny.
Christmas day for Mex was a blur…
The rest of us spent Christmas day ripping up a turkey that took days to stuff while watching The Two Ronnie’s, The Queen’s speech and Tesco adds. Mex still unclear of the difference between fudge, toffee, and Tablet and had filled the recycle bin with empty packets. And was so high she thought the ads were comedies, the Two Ronnie’s was the news and the Queen's speech was messages from above and beyond. Claiming that the queen and the pedestrian crossing woman were not only incognito but “standing on ceremony”, which has a whole new meaning on planet Hy Man.
Mex was to quote Bunny paranoid.
“They just elderly,” said Bunny removing all traces of sugar. “nothing to fear.”
“Fear they are the enemy where I come from,” said Mex snatching a fudge finger from Bunny, “everything to fear.”
Mex ripped open the last of the chocolate, as the cat still waiting for its turkey had had enough of sniffing and made a lunge for the table knocking the Christmas tree into the pyramid of recyclables.
“Film that,” shouted Bunny to Woody.
Woody poised over his Nokia looked up "me"?
‘Who else,” she said. “Captain Kirk,” grabbing of Mex’s fudge finger. “Or spark plug sally,” which I assumed she met me.
As quick as the cat Mex grabbed Bunny iPhone and with a shout “this will confuse the leader,” began filming.
The next day shaking with withdrawals Mex saw her debut film. After her third black coffee, she closed the laptop with disgust vowing to lay off toffee, fudge, in fact, all sugar for ninety days. Apparently, it takes that long to break a habit.
Bunny took the laptop away mumbling something about a reminder, last resorts, and blackmail. As Woody whistled through his teeth and offered me one of his new pairs of socks to try on.
Kerrie Noor Is A Comedy, Romance & Sci-Fi Author based in Scotland. Explore her recent work on Amazon or contact her for more information.
Her new book 'Rebel Without A Clue' is now available via Smashwords, Kobo and Nook Ibooks.
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